Time after time

I was not able to keep my promise, was I? I tried, but I stopped believing, struggling in periodic hours, only tho spend the rest of the day, and the next hiding covardly from this increasingly important task that has been layed before me. Those last hours of the second day, they are trying to kill me. I am filled with regret and fear of the future, and I finally ending in a far-off corner I pity myself, pity because by this time I know the disapointment, I know what will sho...   [Sentimental]

BREAK!

This is what happens. I am motivated. I meet happy people and a ton of work. I am challenged, and enjoy it, because it will take me somewhere. This is good, because it leads to something productive happening this day.

A few more challenges come along, and I begin to fear they will pile up. They haven't, but i suspect they will. Then I take a chill pill. Maybe I take a walk, listen to some music, or visit Pinterest. Always Pinterest.

I get lost. Maybe, the time I had disposable was wasted or, most likely, I lost track of time. I panic for a while, until I realize: I've still got a year. People have done crazy things within less time. I won't be starting from scratch: I'm experienced; I know the teachers; I know what is coming; I have already learned a lot. I am motivated (sort off). I know I am somewhere (far, far) inside, because that part of me comes into existence when I watch a movie, or witness someones excellence. I want to be good at something. I know, everyone has got something, but I mean something that can pay off, or at least be recognized. I want attentions, yes I said so, and I want to be appreciated - especially for something that I do.

When I feel like a failure, there are two ways my night can be spent: 

1. I over-think. My thoughts are uncomfortable, and tend to list everything that I have ever done wrong, and every moment of insecurity in my past. I think of the people who are with me now, the ones who are not, which i'd rather have, and eventually of whether I deserve them and conversely, whether they deserve me. Should I run away. I came very close this last time, except there was no point in running; it was just an act of a nagging coward. I can't sleep. More thoughts are displayed, and if I've done really bad, or I think of someone I love and miss, my heart will start pounding. It continues for hours, until my head is so lost I fall into unconsciousness and finally, finally sleep.
2. I know what is coming. I listen to music and try to breathe; maybe I'm lucky. If not, I would rather do something to keep my head busy than to lie there thinking again. I read for hours and hours, look at handbags, clean my room, or write in my diary. I loose a lot of sleep this way. Sometimes, it's only to feel like I have done something nice this day; which is silly, because if I don't get enough sleep tonight, I am destined to fail tomorrow. Silly is not the word - it's just that I don't wan't to realize how bad it is, really.

I did this instead of studying biology. Today I spent many hours collecting images of converse, because I knew it biology was hard. Does that argument even make sense? It should cancel itself, right? I have been repeating this several times to myself, quite loudly I may add, Being mad at my self doesn't work. Yelling at myself, makes me pity at the same time, because I'm being criticized, and I'm yelling at the bathroom mirror!! :O What. a. looser.

Well, the main problem seems to be just doing it. I want to make a resolution's list:

1. Just DO IT.
2. Don't procrastinate. Make it count.
3. Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today.
4. Rest. Take care of your body. It's the only place you have to live.
5. Now go out there, and make yourself proud.