THE BEST THING

that happened today was

1.  I found the "This moment is an opportunity" quote.
2. I finally had a breakthrough in biology. I even installed a mike, and recorded the whole thing. This way, I had to be enthusiastic when I spoke, and in order to do that, I had to know what mycorrhiza and endodermis means - and yes, that is English.
3. I felt enormously relieved just by having started.
4. I inherited the softest pants in history.
5. We were met by a surprise at the dinner table: Fresh naan bread and an Indian slow-cooker meal. It was so good i didn't know what to say. Lamb and a couple kilo's of spice from our cabinet and the garden. I will tell you this: that recipe will be included in my last wishes. Like: I want you to have this. Wow.
6. I watched a couple of music videos, and it made me dance in the shower.*
7. I've posted several times today, and it feels G.O.O.D. Here, here & here (this will be #4 (ღ˘◡˘ღ) )
8. I am going to bed smiling. 

* Haha, I don't usually listen to videos like these, especially not J-Lo :)  These guys are soo cute, and the Wiggle song? well ... ┌( ಠ‿ಠ)┘

#cantbreakthat

WORD

Time after time

I was not able to keep my promise, was I? I tried, but I stopped believing, struggling in periodic hours, only tho spend the rest of the day, and the next hiding covardly from this increasingly important task that has been layed before me. Those last hours of the second day, they are trying to kill me. I am filled with regret and fear of the future, and I finally ending in a far-off corner I pity myself, pity because by this time I know the disapointment, I know what will sho...   [Sentimental]

BREAK!

This is what happens. I am motivated. I meet happy people and a ton of work. I am challenged, and enjoy it, because it will take me somewhere. This is good, because it leads to something productive happening this day.

A few more challenges come along, and I begin to fear they will pile up. They haven't, but i suspect they will. Then I take a chill pill. Maybe I take a walk, listen to some music, or visit Pinterest. Always Pinterest.

I get lost. Maybe, the time I had disposable was wasted or, most likely, I lost track of time. I panic for a while, until I realize: I've still got a year. People have done crazy things within less time. I won't be starting from scratch: I'm experienced; I know the teachers; I know what is coming; I have already learned a lot. I am motivated (sort off). I know I am somewhere (far, far) inside, because that part of me comes into existence when I watch a movie, or witness someones excellence. I want to be good at something. I know, everyone has got something, but I mean something that can pay off, or at least be recognized. I want attentions, yes I said so, and I want to be appreciated - especially for something that I do.

When I feel like a failure, there are two ways my night can be spent: 

1. I over-think. My thoughts are uncomfortable, and tend to list everything that I have ever done wrong, and every moment of insecurity in my past. I think of the people who are with me now, the ones who are not, which i'd rather have, and eventually of whether I deserve them and conversely, whether they deserve me. Should I run away. I came very close this last time, except there was no point in running; it was just an act of a nagging coward. I can't sleep. More thoughts are displayed, and if I've done really bad, or I think of someone I love and miss, my heart will start pounding. It continues for hours, until my head is so lost I fall into unconsciousness and finally, finally sleep.
2. I know what is coming. I listen to music and try to breathe; maybe I'm lucky. If not, I would rather do something to keep my head busy than to lie there thinking again. I read for hours and hours, look at handbags, clean my room, or write in my diary. I loose a lot of sleep this way. Sometimes, it's only to feel like I have done something nice this day; which is silly, because if I don't get enough sleep tonight, I am destined to fail tomorrow. Silly is not the word - it's just that I don't wan't to realize how bad it is, really.

I did this instead of studying biology. Today I spent many hours collecting images of converse, because I knew it biology was hard. Does that argument even make sense? It should cancel itself, right? I have been repeating this several times to myself, quite loudly I may add, Being mad at my self doesn't work. Yelling at myself, makes me pity at the same time, because I'm being criticized, and I'm yelling at the bathroom mirror!! :O What. a. looser.

Well, the main problem seems to be just doing it. I want to make a resolution's list:

1. Just DO IT.
2. Don't procrastinate. Make it count.
3. Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today.
4. Rest. Take care of your body. It's the only place you have to live.
5. Now go out there, and make yourself proud.

NO WONDER

When I see photos like this, my mind takes walks without me. I can wake up an hour later and wonder what happened.  Sometimes it comes back with ideas. Well, this time it want's me to make pillows, and, frankly, I see where it comes from.

1 + 2

WHAT HAPPENS UNDER THE SHEETS

I woke up at twelve and said to myself: Now is the time! Turns out, my stomach and I have different opinions on this too. I'm sick. I tried to pull myself together and get some work done, but ended up building blogs instead. It was complicated. I used 79 ideas for inspiration, and on the way I discovered things. 

1) I never used soundcloud before, but you should check this one out.

2) I love this. It's so simple.

3) Storage ideas:

The two first ones are from casa-atelier. I also discovered some awesome small-space solutions, that are simply too precious to be left behind.

KICK MY GUTS IN THE GUTS

I've decided to be honest. Not very original, I know, but I watched a cliche movie last night, that touched my heart. When her problems were at their utmost horror and killing her loved ones, I had to leave the screen, which left me comparing my problems and failed promises to her situation for two hours. Every time she was faced with her problems, she would stick up her cute smile, and run like a tiger once she reached the nearest corner. I do that. When she realized she was in trouble again, she would fall back into the arms of luxury and comfort. Unfortunately she would wake up and find all the pleasures of last night to be vanished. That is what I want to stop doing.

Going for a Forest Gump at first take might be a little exaggerated - small steps are probably the best. Last night I swore I wouldn't watch more movies hiding under my sheets this week; because it has been at the cost of my school work and my sleep. My stomach was immediately worried, and it still is because I don't wan't to publish this. I want to fall back into those arms of luxury and forgetfulness, but after doing stupid, health damaging, future endarkening choices for a year, it's time i kick my guts in the guts. I need to confront this, stop being sad and start being angry (because that IS a healty feeling), and not give it a shot, but honestly keep on trying - fake it till you make it -
action over words, and get going!!

Thank you Tom Hanks for this wonderful shot.
Resolution #1: Finish one hand-in before the end of the week.